This is a story about me. I tell all the things about the funny things the girls do and say but I hardly ever talk about myself. I tend to not want to let anyone know who I am as a mother.
Someone said to me the other day, "I just love seeing your kids, they are just so carefree and laid back!" They say this as Carolyn is outside, driving her Jeep, wearing her down feather coat when it was at least 100 degrees outside. Who knows what she was wearing underneath, I do know there were clothes on though! I started thinking that maybe I let my kids do too much on their own. I mean, I hear them getting into the fridge right now, who knows what it is they are getting out. I am just tired of getting mad at them for finding things to eat all day (At least the fridge is more likely to have something healthy than the pantry) . Maybe I don't feed them enough. Actually I think it is more that they would prefer snacking all day instead of eating meals. And they do take after their dad who enjoys the same habits when he is home! (Which unfortunately he doesn't look like he does this but I do)
I digress. I let my kids dress themselves so often and I am always amazed at what they will put together. Michelle tells me that if you wear a pink shirt, you should wear pinks pants. That is how they match. She doesn't quite get the colors that match but are not the same. For her, matching means the same, not coordinating. I am proud that she "matches" so well!
I let the girls change their own channels on the TV. They know that Nick is on 253 and that most of the other channels are near there. Carolyn tends to just push buttons which, if Michelle is there, makes her mad and a scuffle ensues. I let those happen too. I mean, how many times should I interfere with a fight on wanting to be Aurora versus Cinderella. Apparently this is a major deal for the big girls. Then there may be hitting (which I try my best to stop) and arguing (which I try my best to stay out of) and then there is crying (which I wait for the tone of the cry before seeing if it is truly necessary for me to be involved in) all the while Leah is watching from the sidelines and occasionally laughing as someone cries. Why babies thinking other people crying is funny is beyond me. I guess when you cry, you make funny faces!
I found that in the past year, I have lost some of my authority. Somehow, I am not as effective as I once was. Maybe with the addition of Leah, I have less time to be on guard. I still nurse her and so I tend to not be able to keep incidents from escalating because I am stuck sitting down. Leah does not enjoy being walked around to eat and my body does not like it either. The time that I am feeding Leah, whether it is nursing or giving her baby food, thus making it hard for me to get up, is the chance the girls have to misbehave. They have a short window to get into their altercations and know that they can stand there in front of me and they have picked up that I can't do anything but yell at them.
I have to constantly tell myself that they are just learning who they are and that they are checking their position in the family, what effect they have on me, what they can get away with, etc. Man, kids are a lot smarter than I thought they would be! I am so thankful that I have belief in God because I know that I would have gone truly mental by now if I did not have Him to take care of us all.
Just like in the birth of children, I wish someone had told me what it was truly like to raise children. I know that I was a difficult child at times but my mom seemed to keep her calm every time we did something. How did she do that? Why didn't I get that from her? Why did I get my dad in so many things? Why did my dad laugh when we had our first daughter? Was I all that bad? Why did I end up with 3 girls? Am I going to pay for what I did as a teenager? There needs to be a course on how to be a mom with full disclosure on the dirt and mud that you truly go through as a mom.
I watched Oprah the other day (I promise I hardly ever watch her anymore, when do I have time except to DVR?) and she had some moms on and I was SO glad to hear that there are moms that have done things that made me laugh and helped me see that I am not alone in the "fly by the seat of my pants" kind of life you have to sometimes have to be a mom!
I'm just thankful that I am a mom, no matter how hard it is and how little they seem to do to help me sometimes. I have to remind myself that they are 5, 3, and 10 months. I can't expect them to be groomed overnight. I know that I will get better and better as a mom over time and I know that's why there are 365 days in a year! I'd hate to see what people would be like if we lived as dogs!
